January 18, 2014

Brand New Year Brand New Challenge

I am Jherson Jaya, 25 years old and I write about my travels to give you insights, advise and inspiration to explore the world. I would like to flag down the tone of this blog for now to express whats on my heart and mind. This is the condition of my life now - confused. Its kind of an emo blog post so please don't read if you are not interested. If you are interested, thank you. 

I haven't dream for a while like I did when I was on grade school. It couldn't be traveling that hinders me to do so. It should actually make me dream bigger. Though I still have that child in me that someday - well sooner or later - I will drive a car and park it in my own garage, my eyes are getting blur as my childhood dream fades away. When I was a child I dreamed of something bigger than me and that how dreams should be - bigger than you. But now everything changes as fast as time in modern age flies. I know I still have that child (ish) dream in me. I'm not sure what are those now though. I used to believe that I am the best among anybody else and that I already secured a perfect future in me. But every stumble made me felt that I am such lowly being. I still believe in me but like dreaming, but not that confident as I was in grade school or high school.

I see the sun shining on the mountain as cold as ice 

I don't know where to go now. I am not sure if I have a promising career to hope for. I working out to climb the ladder of the corporate jungle but I don't know if that will materialize given the company's stance now.

Careless and Free life are lyrics but without melody in my mind. The means of doing so seems miles away. I want to be a stranger to the place I don't even read from my elementary geography. That's possible but I don't have the means to do so. Maybe the best way to make this happen at least is to get out of our home and rent my own. I'm in that process, but should I really want to get out of comfort? Big part of me, a big yes. People around me, a big No. Mind over heart. Heart over heart, so I'm doing it.

What about ending your four years love affair not because you are out of love? What is that? Maybe I'm not happy with our relationship or I'm not happy in my life. Oh yeah... like a coward man - not ready to commit because you said, you  don't want to burden her with your out of this world unrealized problems? I'm no longer that Florentino Ariza in Gabriel Garcia Marquez 's world - never I was actually. We're having a difficult time even until now. Yeah the acceptance and closure part.

Just resigned from my church duties because I don't feel like doing it now. Doing something for over five years with no movement will bore you and tire you. Moreover I resigned because of my graduate studies in which I don't know if I still want to continue now. I want to drop all my subjects and just wander around the streets trying to find that satisfaction.

Crisis? What kind of? What is my problem? I have no idea.

Where do I go now? And I'm not sure of what I want. I feel so restless and tired. But there were times that I'm so eager with the things of the world but then the shit of the world will slap me. I want this but I need to do that. I like this but I only have this. Oh well the scarcity of life.

Don't get me wrong I feel so blessed of what I have and I am blessed of what I can give.  Its just I feel so lost. Should I live in a bus going to nowhere? God has something for me... I know. 

What could that be?